How Do You Know?

How do you know when something that happened in your life matters? When I was about seven, I ran under a sign in our village and knocked myself out. When I was nearly twenty, walking home from the pub, drunk, I was beaten up. If I met the bloke who did it, I would still shit myself. What do I remember about that? I was walking home from the ESSO Club in Holbury, one Saturday night, around 1130 to midnight, and outside one of the shops, on the corner of one of the side roads, he was there. What did he accuse me of? “Looking at him?”

He beat me, first punches, then, when I was on the ground, he kicked me too. Why did he stop? I can’t remember. I think a bloke in a car did stop, but did not get out. I was not that badly hurt as I staggered home to Blackfield, which was about two miles. I remember the look on their faces when I pushed the door open. Dad and Neil went out in the car looking for him. They never found him. We never reported it to the police. Why not? I don’t remember, and I can’t ask Dad now.

Within a couple of weeks, I was going out again on Friday and Saturday nights, getting pissed, walking around on my own late at night. I never got beaten up again, but I did meet up with that bloke a couple of times. Once, it was in the ESSO club and he was at the bar. I think he was set up to hit me again. Why did he hate me so? Fortunately, another guy was at the bar who knew him and me. I think he talked him out of hitting me.

I met the bloke who beat me one other time, maybe after the incident at the ESSO club, maybe before. I was in the Langley Tavern on Friday or Saturday night and he was at the bar, with another n’er do well, and he recognized me. He did not hit me but he did intimidate me into taking him and his mate, where? To the ESSO club perhaps. The thing is, there were other guys I knew in the Langley, but I was too terrified to ask them to help me.

My Mum beat me too, when I was little, maybe six, or seven or eight. She was worried that I would fall behind at school, so she gave me extra lessons at home. I can’t remember much about it. Just the memory of her sitting at the table and me standing next to her, terrified of giving her the wrong answer, because if I did...... I think Dad did once say something like ‘That’s enough Mary,’ but he did not really try to stop her. I’m sure I recall Mum being kind to me later in the night, coming up to my bedroom with something, and I was puzzled? Was she being ‘Good cop, bad cop’, perhaps? Of course I would not have known that expression then.

She did it to Neil too, but not to Michael. I must ask Neil about it again. I’m sure it affected him as much as me, or perhaps it did not affect either of us? Maybe it’s just a convenient excuse for us to blame our failures on? “Mum beat us.” Whilst I am timid, Neil is the opposite, aggressive, though not usually ending in violence. But I also sense that it is bluster, and underneath he is just like me. And why not? We are brothers, after all.

Mum could be loving too. I remember us all climbing into bed with her and she told us stories. I know she regretted it later on. I never asked her why she did it. I don’t hate her. Neither does Neil. But we both remember, and we never forget.

Ends?

7 July 15

Dave Cheverton.