David Cheverton

PWLT 5 'Creating Characters' PWLT 5 'Creating Characters'

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I think she was as excited as me. She certainly loved to take a big, BIG swig out my juice. She had the same tastes as me too. Isn’t that strange? She hated the taste of the root beer, but she loved the American Cream Soda. Oh, how she loved that, slurping and smacking her lips. Some days, there was barely a drop at the bottom of the bottle left for me.

Then she’d start on the tin. I’d watch her remove the lid, the same way I watched her unscrew the bottle top, watch her eyes light up. She drooled! Can you believe that? She actually drooled, just like a dog!  The pie would disappear in one bite, crumbs dripping from her mouth, then half the sandwich. She always left me half, but not before she said,

           ‘I can’t remember if I washed my hands after I went to the loo’,

           And then she’d stroll off sniggering.

Ends

I've done this in a rush, been in an endless editing and rejecting frenzy, making myself late for a date. I'm still not happy!

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1 day ago

Debra Mayall

RE: PWLT 5 'Creating Characters' RE: PWLT 5 'Creating Characters'

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Hi Dave

This was a thoughtful and interesting introduction to your character. The burning question I am left with is: did you deliberately withhold her name? I was wondering if she was an animal until you revealed “like a dog”. What makes this character come to life for me is her one line of (cheeky) dialogue; it’s irreverent, casual and enjoyable. I loved the way you continually interrupted your own description with questions. It kept the tone light and also helped build her character because we could see her through your eyes too.

I couldn’t actually find anything in your text that doesn’t work, not even a spelling mistake. It all seems to work well together. Perhaps her name could have been revealed but this may be on purpose. (I didn’t reveal my superheroes power.) If I am being nit-picky, maybe you could drop the opening words “I think” altogether.

Well done.

Cheers

Debbie

THIS SHOULD NOT BE HERE!

Fucking 'Cut and Paste!' I had to retype the last paragraph of 'English Rain' three times, and each one different because when I tried to paste the first and second versions here, I got this.

Oh well, it's not so bad, just part of my unit in 'Creative and Professional Writing' at the OU (taught via Griffith University.) Each week we have to post a small passage of writing on a different theme, and one of our fellow students 'critiques' it, and this was mine.